Sticky Situations
Originally published on The Sex Appeal website
Even before Mickey Rourke emptied the contents of his fridge onto Kim Basinger in 9½ Weeks, the concept of food as foreplay was popular for couples trying to spice up their sex lives. In theory, it makes perfect sense – food and sex are both primal needs, necessary for survival, so why not combine them, kill two birds with one satisfying stone? In practice, however, the results can be messy, disastrous, and/or hilarious, leaving both parties still hungry…and horny.
If you are thinking about incorporating food products into your sexual routine, let me first suggest that you relocate to the kitchen. Counters and tile floors tend to be easier to clean/disinfect than Egyptian cotton sheets. A girlfriend told me about an unfortunate bedroom incident involving Hershey’s chocolate syrup whereupon after hooking up, it looked like someone had “shit the bed.” Not sexy.
Next, make sure you use something that’s relatively easy to lick off – whipped cream is preferable to, say, cake frosting. I’m not speaking from personal experience, but frosting apparently embeds itself deeper into skin when licked. It’s likely that you’ll go into sugar shock before you can really get down to business. One friend of mine learned this the hard way, when the woman he was seeing covered her torso in Betty Crocker’s Triple Chocolate Fudge Chip as a sexy surprise. In his own words: “Thirty minutes later, I had a stomachache and she still looked like an Oompa Loompa.”
The edible clothing route minimizes clean-up, but can be unpleasant on the palate. Novelty items such as edible underwear, which enjoys a surge in sales around Valentine’s Day, is basically a fruit roll-up fitted to your crotch. One website claims that “when worn, normal body moisture and heat will make [the edible panties] more pliable and flavorful.” Needless to say, I’m not entirely confident that the “normal body moisture and heat” of my ladyparts would pair especially well with artificial Pina Colada flavoring. Inadvertently inducing a gag reflex during oral sex = not hot.
Personally? There are times when I feel like eating and times when I feel like making whoopee and never the twain shall meet. But if you are looking to experiment, my advice is to keep it simple. A little Cool Whip on a nipple or a drizzle of honey on a belly button can go a long way. Sex is messy to begin with and you don’t want to ruin the post-coital cuddling because you’re dealing with stain removal, or searching Web MD to find out if it’s possible to get a yeast infection from maple syrup (fyi, it is: anything foreign up there can throw off your vaginal pH and cause nasty problems). You can titillate your taste buds while keeping your focus where it should be—on the naked person you’re about to get intimate with. Besides, you can always go out for a slice of pizza afterwards to reward yourself for all the calories you just burned off in the sack.